Long time no talky

Hi, haven't posted in a while! Been busy with both work and college.

I haven't had much time to do anything and I was heading towards a breakdown until a few days ago. Dad texted me from Cyprus sayin that him and mum were getting worried about me and they didn't like me working until 10 at night as it's scary. He said as they're not paying for my college housing anymore would I be able to survive on £500 a month from them. That's the most I get paid at my job anyway!

This now means I can concentrate on my college work (I was starting to get confused in class) and I now have days off to do things! Might have to start up cross stiching again lol.

I also have a new hamster called Houdini. Raito died of old age. Houdini was named after he leapt out of his cage and ran around the bedroom whilst we chased him for an hour. Great personality! He is currently obsessed with his tube and has filled it with sawdust and food. I would love another pet but I live with Stevie and his parents atm.

My health has taken a downturn recently, mainly due to stress and bad diet. But now I have time to plan meals and go to the gym more often. I'm also on an awful tranquiliser medication the shrink gave me which makes me drowsy but does not reduce stress. I'm desperate to get off it but he wants me to try it for a bit longer. I've decided to just not take it and I'll tell him next time I see him. I can't function on it.

So at the moment, though I've had a few bad months, I'm really positive :) Good times are ahead and I'm looking forward to Halloween! (yes that's right shops, halloween not christmas!). My friends are all dressing up as Toy Story, so I'm thinking Bo Peep :) hehe. I'm off to Brighton next week with Stevie for a few days so I can hunt for a costume.

The dreaded IBS...

I went to the doctor for my usual appointment and told him about my gut problems. Turns out I have IBS. I'd never really considered it 'cos I always associated IBS with diarrhoea whereas I have the opposite.

I had a look on the internet and for gas related bloating symptoms I need to cut down on broccoli, cauliflower, onion, raisins and BEANS. Beans :( Everything I eat is bean related - soya milk, soya butter, soya yoghurt, tofu, bean burgers and just normal beans - baked, red kidney (which are apparently the worst!!) etc. I'm stumped because I really have to improve my gut system. I'm not absorbing nutrients properly and I feel so uncomfortable and sick all the time.

I've bought some rice milk which brings it down a bit but I really don't know what to do now. I'm going to eat more spinach, curly kale and quinoa. I need to go through my books to find recipies but it's hard to find ones without beans. I'll also have to cut down on my favourite raisin bran.

Doc says my IBS is stress related which sucks 'cos I won't be able to change that much. I've been doing really well with my road rage though. Should also get more exercise, drink more water and chew more thoroughly.

Let's see how this goes...

At the risk of being told off...

I didn't eat anything on wednesday and thursday except polos and drinks. I was thinking I was a genius by using the sugar to keep me going. Unfortunately I didn't think too much about how that would affect my stomach and was sick on the way home from college. Stevie was driving and I had to get out and then I was lying on the gravel whilst someone stopped asking if I was ok o_O embarassing. But I did it to myself and I'm now eating properley again. Stevie's mum also told me off :P

I just have no patience and it affects my diet. One minute I'm motivated the next I'm reaching for food. It's amazing how much I can eat. I do wonder where it all goes.

Next few weeks is gonna be pretty stressful as I'll be at work experience for college (monday-friday for 3 weeks) and also paid part time work. Gah. Hopefully the work experience will be fun though. 2 weeks at Sun Valley Kennels and 1 at Battersea Dog and Cat Home Old Windsor :) Yay x

Bad day

Diet not going well... exercise not going well... have no money :(

Feeling a bit down atm. Reading another Thich Nhat Hanh book though which is cheering me up. But I can't stop obsessing about food. Even when I'm not hungry, if I think of food I have to have it. And I don't know how to ignore those feelings. I can eat a big meal and still want more food :(

I need to figure out some herbal remedy to make me less moreish. Might take another trip to Holland and Barrett and see what teas they have. Maybe if I keep drinking it'll stop me eating so much.

Meh :( bad day

FOOD

Ok I have been having food problems lately.

I'm on a diet and I'm eating less and less but just not shifting the weight. I'm doing exercise, but probably not enough. I do 20 sit ups a day (can't do more!), 10 back ups (no idea what they're called but i lie on my front and lift my top half), 10 leg lifts on either side, and 10 leg crunches. I can't do anything extravagant especially at college as there are people living underneath me. Anyone have any ideas what I can add to my routine?

I went for a run the other day and was knackered by the time I got round the corner. Ended up walking most of it. I really wish I could join a gym but can't afford it. It's the only place I feel motivated. I don't feel motivated at home with exercise dvds :( but I'll still be adding those Skinny Bitch dvds to my birthday list! :)

I also need to drink more water which is my main weakness. I think I'm becoming a bit obsessed but the weight is just not shifting :( every time I feel resolve it gets ruined by hunger.

I've been told I should eat nuts but I don't know which nuts are best and what's the least fattening. I don't know much about nuts 'cos I don't really like them.

Heeeelp I'm failing :(

I am so FAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

Skinny Bitchin'

I got this diary for christmas and I love it. I started writing in it yesterday and I am noting down my food intake and money spending as these are the weak areas of my life atm.

Unfortunately food calms my mind which is quite rare with my OCD. I haven't found anything else that will quiet my mind.

Here is my diary for the last couple of days. I'm back at college so eating what's on the menu. Which is awful. It's supposed to be 'healthy eating month'.

Monday:

Food: Banana
Pasta
Baked beans
Pea pods
Mixed veg (inc courgettes)
Plum
Pear
Green tea
Pot of grapes
Green tea
Rice
Peppers
Baked beans
Sweetcorn
Sliced potato
Orange juice
Redbush tea
Chunk of dark orange chocolate
Redbush tea

Money: £1-40 banana, 500ml water
£2-40 Pasta, baked beans, pea pods, mixed veg
£1-90 Green tea, plum, pear
£2-00 Green tea, pot of grapes
TOTAL: £7-70

Tuesday:

Food: Hash browns
Baked beans
Tomatoes
Water 500ml
Pasta and tomato sauce
Pot of grapes
Chips
Peas
Sweetcorn
Baked beans
Carrot
Orange juice
Redbush tea
Spicy toasted corn snacks
Chunk of dark orange chocolate

Money: £4-70 Pasta with tomato sauce
£1-20 Pot of grapes
TOTA: 5-90

That's a lot of carbs! And it shows how expensive college food is. I really wish I could be healthy and not eat so much.

The diary also has useful comments throughout. Today it said "Know this and be okay with it: Not everyone is going to like you." That's something I struggle with and causes me great anxiety. I'm so paranoid all the time.

Recently I've found out about the Skinny Bitch exercise dvds! I'm really excited about them and really want to get them but have no money. And my birthday isn't until august.

I have faced some of my fears recently. I did work experience in a pet store so had to handle frozen mice and meaty bones. I managed to get used to it without panicking :)

And finally... my parents are moving! We were starting to think it wouldn't happen, so when they turned around and said next week it's been a bit of a shock for us. Now we're packing up and it feels weird. But I'm also excited. For the time being I'll be living at college during the week and spending the weekends at Stevie's ^_^

Love ya all xxx
Tess :)